http://meep23.livejournal.com/#asset-mee
Ah, how much that entry amuses me at this moment. Or just in general.
Respect has now been thrown away.
-Chelsie-
- Here At:mom's house
- Mood:
cold - Jams:Theory of a Deadman, "Not Meant to Be"
I'm hurting right now.
This is a list of the reasons why.
1. Justinne is on my cell phone, talking to my ex-boyfriend.
2. It's 3:16 in the morning... she's been talking to him forever.
3. He never talks to me this long. Ever. He would have gotten annoyed and said good-night by now.
4. The first time he ever called my cell phone was to talk to Justinne.
5. Worse, to talk to Justinne about me.
6. He thinks that kiss didn't happen. Well, it did. He can't just pretend like it means nothing.
7. They have been talking forever. I don't know what they're talking about right now...
8. Maybe they've worked everything out.
9. I don't know.
10. I'm too scared to find out.
- Mood: cold
If I thought that I loved Sam when he was here, I love him so much more when he's away. Just thinking about the next time I see him, and hoping that he's thinking of me, and knowing deep down that he is... it's so exhilarating. But the problem is, I don't know where to stop. I wish that I could just throw myself into his arms right now... throw myself into his arms and never let go. And I want to kiss him... I thought that I wanted to kiss him before, but it's so different now. Things have changed so much, and yet I know it's devotion because I still want him, now more than ever. I want to kiss him and hold him and whisper in his ear that I love him and that I'd do anything for him, and that I know exactly how crazy I sound but it's all true...
The problem is, he's not here. I don't know where he is. Hurley, I guess. But wherever the heck that is... I haven't got a clue. And then add to it the fact that I can't call him, and he can't get on a computer, and I feel pretty much screwed. He said he would try to call me, but I told him that I understood if he didn't. Which I do. I completely understand. Plus, being away from him and not talking to him makes me appreciate him even more. Because if he wasn't here... I'd be so lonely. The only thing keeping me happy is the opportunity to spend more time with my other friends, and the fact that I'll see him again soon. Wednesday, I believe... that is, if he's going to Justinne's party. Which he said he was. So I find it okay to assume that I'll see him there. And the best part of that is that nobody will be around to make me feel guilty everytime I touch him, and we'll be able to talk without a time limit. I just want to talk to him about everything... I want him to understand everything that I think about, everything that goes through my mind. No matter what it is, I want him to know it. It's such a crazy feeling. I wish I understood what it is that makes me want to open up to him so much... I guess it's love. But how am I to know about something like that? I'm 15. I've never been in love before. I've never dated anyone before... wait. That's a lie. I dated Sam. For a week. And now I want to go back to him. I need to go back to him. I'm happy being his friend... I really am. But I want so much more. I hope he can see that. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep away before I spontaneously combust... I need to be around him. I need to be able to reach out and touch him when I want to, and to look into his eyes and not feel like I'm crossing some invisible boundry...
He wants me to trust him. I do. I really do. But I'm scared about how easily it came to me... what if I'm wrong? What if things go back to how they were before? I don't want that to happen. It would hurt too much to do that again. But I can't do that again. I don't think it's possible. He wants me. He wants to be with me. He won't cheat on me or leave me for someone else. He'll be honest with me. He'll hold me close when I need a shoulder to cry on and he'll make me feel things that I've never imagined I could feel. That's what I want. That's what I had the opportunity to have. No... I have that opportunity. And the next time I see him I'm not going to let him go without telling him that I want to change. I don't want to be paranoid and jealous and crazy. I want to tell him that things can be better. I can make them better, as long as he'll take me back. I know he will. I trust that he will.
I can't imagine life without him. I could never go back to the way things were before. It would hurt too much. Please please please take me back. I love you I love you I love you.
I sound so obsessed. I'm probably coming on too strong, and any normal guy would go running in the other direction... but Sam isn't normal. He's amazing.
~Chelsie~
- Here At:Necedah
- Mood:in luhv
- Jams:Strawberry Wine by Deana Carter
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